It is almost a new year?

...and I lost a pound!  Wowee accomplishment.  Weight Watchers says when you lose a pound you should think of losing a package of butter...not attractive and surely not motivating, I like butter.
This year my major focus is weight loss and I mean to track it here.  Just my feelings about weight loss coupled with hope.  I think that is a crucial element missing from weight loss hope.
"I hope that I lose weight....then I will fit in."
"I hope that this week, I have lost 2 pounds because I was so good this week and the scale will give me hope."
"By losing the weight, I hope to feel better and I am sure I will look better for me (that is the healthy one).

Do you think weight loss equals hope?  I do.  The reverse is true 2012 should be about your hope, love, compassion, peace, no judgement, and really listening.  Listening to my body eating hummus instead of cookies, drinking water and ginger ale, making all my fast food....feeling good.

an aside....I tried to watch Oprah's Life Class on beliefs that are built when we are born to five years of age we begin to believe what people tell us:
"You are stupid, don't do that!"
"Your sister looks way younger, how old are you anyway?"
"Your dad has done so much, why is it that you seem lost?"
"How could you fail that test?  Didn't do your homework?"
(an another aside Oprah would not let he expert speak so I never watched to the end)

Those that believe them I know its hard to shed them, it takes work.  Could weight be the same?

Enjoy your year, I will.  Live!  Live!  Live!
Let us hope 2012 is my year.

...and admit to myself that my life has become unmanageable...

Isn't it funny, when you don't have control, you strive for anything you can control?A woman a I know is ill, back problems plus a bunch of other stuff, older in a home with two generations and because she can't drive she is upset that her every demand is not met.  Boy do I judge.  I am the same.  As my body changes beyond my control now all of a sudden weight loss is of utmost importance?  Why wasn't it before?  Because it just wasn't.  People buckle down and lose weight, they go to the gym, they "just say no" to sweets...and subsequently the weight is loss.  Oh how happy everyone is, Oh how silent everyone was that you were once fat as they say.  That silence is disapproving and as long as I have lived have waited for the dot, dot, dot.  "Man, your face is so pretty." Subtext if only you would lose weight.  "What a beautiful smile." I would even date you if you were 50 pounds thinner.  hmmmm.  I am sure classes at gyms will be filled with New Year's Resolutions of weight loss and I thought resolving to be more compassionate was a goal.

Gone so long..

So I need to be blogging everyday as so much as happened.  I will now promise to myself and those of you who are reading to blog at least once a week.

So visiting Maroc as those who live there so lovingly refer to it...was an experience I should say.  As a plus sized person it is a friendly country...I mean you won't find jeans in your size but you certaintly will find a traditional dress or two and that IS something you can wear.

As you all know when I travel I read all there is to read about the country and usually my go-to travel bible is Lonely Planet but as you well traveled readers know THE FORMAT HAS CHANGED
stage direction break into a Charlie Brown The Great Pumpkin Scream ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  I read for months well from August to November and still could not decipher what to do (aside please change it back).  Anyway one of the things you MUST do in the great city of Fes is to visit a Tannery.

Willis could not make it through even with mint up his nose. You are met by a very American tour guide who has lived where you have lived and by the time you see all of the 11th century activity going on you might believe its a show...but no they still use pigeon poo and ammonia to soften the leather and men cutting sheep skin and beating it in the flow of water below. You can't beleive what is happening and might just go for the first offer on a leather coat of 2,000 USDollars....then you glance across the way at another Tannery with tourists milling about and looking where you are looking and then, if you are wise you snap back to your senses.  THIS IS REAL BUT REALLY A TRAP.

Mohammed was our guide and as I zeroed in on the jacket I wanted none of the womens' sizes fit me. So they fitted me with a mans just to "see my size".  I found what I wanted and asked "How Much?" sixteen million times only to be told 2000 USDollars. "Okay, thanks for the tour it was incredible, how do I get out of here?"  "Okay, Okay, give me your best price." "Hmmmm....300 dollars." "Oh no this is harsh...then the words came out in Maroc that I have heard in America, in Germany, in Guatemala, in India, in Paris, in Mexico..."I have to make 7 jackets to fit you, and you want to pay 300 dollars?" "WHAT!"  I doubt unless it is a size 3 that you have to make 7 jackets but I was focused and just continued down the stairs after a few spewings by Mohammed regarding all the work that would need to be done.  As if, if it were a size 4 he could be done in a jiffy.  Willis thought he had sealed his fate by saying that and was pleasantly surprised and proud of me that I bought the coat anyway and for 300 USDollars. 

so I say all that to say.  Its a problem world wide to be fat, overweight, plus sized and a hard barginer. 

I love my new coat very Shaft meets Matrix.  It was all sewn up in 5 hours and delievered to my hotel door.  Ah the joys of acquistion and the excusing of a very ignorant, unassuming, salesman who thought I might be guilted into paying more for a coat he felt he needed to build from 7 others.

Thanks Mohammed.

Thin Is IN....

It was so nice visiting Long Branch this time around.  I arrived later then I wanted to a obligatory stop at Goodwill on RT 17 (no Plus Size section but you can dig).  My sister and niece were on a tear through our home cleaning, rearranging, and making things looks just fabulous.

I was not much help at as the sweltering heat rose above 100.  I was determined to get to the beach and that I did the next day.

I never feel like disrobing on the beach is abnormal or uncomfortable...maybe because I have overweight my whole life and I have been swimming at the Ocean my whole life so its natural NOT to swim in your tee shirt

I found myself looking and envying the bikinis I saw on the beach.
I wondered were the life guards watching me because they thought I could not swim?
and then I guess I calmed down.

It is a topic I have been thinking about even within my own family.  I know my mothers' side well and well some of us are thin, well most of the family is thin, they watch their weight, and the food they eat...the secret conversations around weight...I do wonder???????

Many of my cousins have married men of different races.  Does that mean that in order to snag a man who comes from a culture of thin women you have to be thin?  I am thinking it might?

One day when I am rail thin, I will write about the days of being overweight.  Is it armor?  Will it be too late to even bother as age sets in?

Thin is IN.  and I will just ride the wave and see where it takes me.

Fell in the Manhole

Today after I subbed for a fellow Zumba Instructor I walked out of the class feeling happy (like I could have done better) this is not a new feeling.

As I chatted with a friend outside some guys drove by in a car and shouted "You are as Fat as F#$%!" Now there were other people outside with me, maybe they were not speaking to me....it just sent me spiraling.

Not sure what I think but I created an entire story around what they said...maybe they saw me teach a class, maybe it was such a nice day and they had a clear view of me from the road....

....or maybe he wasn't talking to me at all and with all that said...those hateful words no matter who they were aimed at...were just that hateful and hurtful and I fell right into the manhole.

"No, the question is Who Are YOU?"

Okay so I need to talk about Sizism in a very personal way today.  I want this website to grow and only by taking chances will this happen.
This first post will be about me.
My name is Amy and I like my name.
I am not sure what I want to do with my life except maintain a close relationship with God.
I have always been overweight and was teased and bullyed because of it.  Even today I encounter comments because of my weight.
I am most times the only African-American at my favorite haunts.
I love the Ocean and anything that goes in it especially Sharks.
I teach at a Public School that is in full transition to become a Montessori School.
This year I achieved Tenure (more on this later).
I am the only African-American in my building, well me and the janitor.
I struggle with a positive outlook.
I have many passions, one of them being conversation around size and multi-culturism (if there is such a thing) and the way people see it.
I can not change peoples' hearts.
I have a dog named Lazlo who understands me...not lonliness solitude.
Not sure I am ready to reveal my relationship "status".
Facebook is the Devil and the Answer all at the same time.
I don't fear growing old.
There is nothing new under the sun.
I went to college...and loved it.
I think college holds me back from knowing people.
Yelling and Fighting makes my stomach hurt.
I am not a good teacher because I don't breathe it.
I love massage and think it should be a once a week ritual.
I teach Zumba and find the hour pass without me knowing it.  Zumba is a short cut to happiness.
Snow is a gift from God. Snowdays are even better.
This blog is going to make you angry.  I must look at the envy and uncover the real emotions found there. That is what will make this blog more powerful.
I am on a mission to find out if being Fat, Plus Sized, overweight, having girth, being big is a bad thing.

Welcome

Intuition is a gift or curse?

Although my cousin Allyse can torture you in your mind and body with talk of personality types...I think she is on to something.
No matter how many times I take that stupid thing (even if I say hmmm, maybe I feel this way today) I always end up the same stupid INFP which is only 3% of the population in the world. Which I wonder dooms me to being a GRAND Social Worker, trying to change the world, or better yet Teaching (ahhhhhhhhhh)  I have included the link so YOU can try and fool yourself like me

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm

Anyway the whole point of this post is to see who you are.  I believe we are unique, I believe there is ONE truth (not all of it is clear and explainable because of horrendous world conditions/ there are truths in place that protect us) more on that later.

The intuitive part has me saying "I don't like that" or "I think she/he is purposely excluding me" or "Hmmm, that isn't sincere" or worse yet Willis HATES
"I want to do what I ask AND like it or DON'T DO IT AT ALL."  That doesn't leave much room for compromise does it?

Do not promise, Do not commit, Do not decide

definition- to pledge (oneself) to a position on an issue or question; express (one's intention, feeling, etc.): Asked if he was a candidate, he refused to commit himself.


4. to bind or obligate, as by pledge or assurance; pledge: to commit oneself to a promise; to be committed to a course of action. (Dictionary.com)
 
In not promising to blog, in not committing, in not deciding...we do decide.
 
In struggling to lose weight because "time is running out to look good" I find myself paralyzed to do...nothing.  Someone who is paralyzed still does something, if they
choose to.
 
I would like...my blog to grow
my idea to catch on like fire
to make this my life's work (for money)
oh so many things
 
...to choose (decide makes my stomach hurt) to do what it is I want to do...let's see.  Possibly moving this blog to Tumblr and choosing to blog once a day....
 
I wish...

Fat

What makes a person fat?